Is That All There Is?; Y’Know, Maybe I Did Suck
Written by Marc Madden
IS THAT ALL THERE IS?
So, here’s how the new Monday Night Wars shape up:
*Kurt Angle and Hulk Hogan will battle Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley for control of TNA, with Dixie Carter a big on-air presence.
*Vince McMahon will settle his 12-year-old feud with Bret Hart, who will ignore the aftereffects of a stroke to ill-advisedly (yet self-righteously) climb back into the ring for one more match, and bang Melina, too.
Are you serious? This is the best they can come up with?
Dissecting TNA’s gambit first, you’ve got to credit the participants for involving the money mark. “Did you hear that pop, Dixie? The crowd’s into you big-time!” I can almost hear Paul Heyman whisper to Tod Gordon.
There’s a reason there’s never a battle waged for, say, control of the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the NFL: Legal documents establish clearly who owns and controls what. That way the mundane task of piling up millions by running America’s largest sports league is more easily carried out.
When Commissioner David Stern and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban play one-on-one in a minefield with control of the NBA at stake, then TNA’s proposed feud will be logical. (Crooked ref Tim Donaghy could officiate.)
No one cares who owns/runs the promotion. Never did. Battles between charismatic figures have drawn money against that backdrop. But this isn’t 1996, and Jarrett and Foley sure aren’t Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. This angle is wrestling necrophilia. The idea has been done to death.
It does allow Hogan to be a central figure without wrestling, thank God. But if this angle is Hogan-approved, TNA might as well retain Vince Russo to well and truly mangle it, because it’s exactly the kind of illogical, wrestling-unrelated storyline Russo, uh, specializes in. It’s a non-starter, stillborn, especially given that the participants have been drained of charisma.
The nWo angle walked a tightrope of logic, but successfully so. The invading army forced its way onto WCW TV by winning the tag titles, then used that as leverage. En route, they just jumped in the ring and pummeled people. You could see the issues. They didn’t need explained.
This Hogan & Angle vs. Jarrett & Foley nonsense won’t need a referee. It will need a tour guide and subtitles.
The McMahon vs. Hart silliness won’t be much better. The final resolution of the battle between the WWE owner and the promotion’s greatest champion (just ask him) will feature two old men trying to reignite an issue that has been dormant since 1997. The fraction of fans that congregate online will get it.
Everyone else will have it explained to them – at great length, and in great detail – in a trade of too much TV time for not enough payoff.
These two come off as total marks. McMahon wants to get even for getting socked on the jaw. I can’t fathom what Hart wants. McMahon presided over the death of Bret’s brother, the death of his family’s promotion, the attempted destruction of his legacy – will participating in a fake wrestling angle and cutting some scathing promos come close to settling THAT score? The best, most noble thing Hart ever did was let it go.
That said, I think Bret is a thoroughly decent man. He’s not doing this for the payday. He’s doing it for the reckoning. But what IS the reckoning?
At least TNA sucks. TNA is like a car that loses a demolition derby. Start ‘er up, and ram her into the wall one more time. What’s the difference?
But WWE, while far from compelling, is at least starting to establish a few new stars. What’s it tell fans about Sheamus and Kofi Kingston when their pushes get put on the backburner while WWE television is ABSOLUTELY DOMINATED by the conflict between a 64-year-old and a 52-year-old? Shouldn’t McMahon and Hart at least tour Australia first?
There’s a lot at stake in McMahon’s mind as far as this angle is concerned. I expect it to be done very seriously, and very well. But at what price?
I repeat: This is the best they can come up with? WWE and TNA are reprising a time that led to one of wrestling’s biggest boom periods ever, and the best they can do is THIS?
Y’KNOW, MAYBE I DID SUCK
In the wake of the fictional move by Kevin Nash to get me hired by TNA, another website offered this “analysis” of my wrestling “career”:
“As a commentator, I think that he was really good when he first started with WCW. Then, he started to believe his hype and his work slid. I think that is a function of his personality, as he is loud and braggadocios. I have talked with Madden on many occasions and I think that when he is in “normal” mode, he’s a good guy and entertaining. When he is in “bluster” mode, well let’s just say that I don’t find him to be good or entertaining. But, he has found a way to make his schtick work in radio as he has made a lot of money as a drive-time guy. Of course, he has also hurt his cause at times making statements that got him heat from his bosses. I just think that overall, where wrestling is concerned he is not worth the baggage that he brings with him.”
Baggage? What baggage?
During my time in wrestling, I encountered:
*A man who embezzled thousands to finance sex with male prostitutes.
*A man who used his power within his company to coerce sex from female performers, including participation in violent rape fantasies.
*Wife-swapping to get ahead.
*A man who made extra cash by using Mexicans as mules to bring illegal drugs across the border.
*A man who had a banana shoved up his ass.
This is just scratching the surface. Drug abuse, adultery, sexual harassment, fraud, assault…it’s all routine, part and parcel of wrestling. I saw it. So don’t tell me about my “baggage.” Here’s my baggage: I called DDMe “leatherface” on the air and wouldn’t shake his hand when he offered to make amends in a fashion I considered insincere and too public. So DDMe used his stroke to get me fired.
That’s why I got terminated. No other reason.
If that’s my “baggage,” I carry it proudly, like top-of-the-line Louis Vuitton.
As for my performance level, opinions vary.
Here’s the punch line: Of the five specific incidents described, all the participants but one are still actively involved in wrestling. JACKPOT!
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